Sunday, November 3, 2013

IKEA I Wish I Knew How to Quit You.

I live 30 minutes from IKEA. It is the reason I have a never ending supply of luxurious dinner napkins. Did you know IKEA has the most cost efficient quality napkin in the known universe? And they have these:

IKEA for these specific and trivial things. I love you.

But, let me lay this down mathematically for you:
Proximity + Budget = It looks like a Swedish warehouse store threw up in my living room.

IKEA I hate you.

IKEA I wish I knew how to quit you!

I very recently took a trip to IKEA for blankets. You see 'round these parts when you find yourself in need of about 10 fleece blankets and you have a budget of about $25 dollars the only game in town is IKEA.

This was supposed to be a quick trip. I had Halloween and J's birthday party two days apart. I had very little time but I needed those blankets in a bad way. I planned an outdoor baseball party in November in Michigan because I'm special. So when the weather called for 48 degrees with possible rain, I did what any logical person would do and went to IKEA for blankets. You know blankets to put in the basket. Like I saw on Pinterest. Because it is cute.

But people, there is no such thing as a quick trip to IKEA. Anyone intent on a quick IKEA run is liable to wind up in need of a therapy session. Especially if said trip occurred on the weekend.

(Hush now. Listen. Gather round. Let me impart unto you a wise lesson. NEVER go to IKEA on the weekend.)

Quick trip eh? It. cannot. be. done. IKEA will suck you in, chew you up, and spit you out at a bare minimum of an hour later. That is if you utilize the "shortcuts" and run through the store at mock speeds. It helps to watch a few episodes of Super Market Sweep first.

The whole IKEA concept will warp your mother loving mind. One should not be able to furnish an entire apartment with furniture that fits in one's sedan.

First of all, there are two floors and to get to the first floor you have to go to the second floor. You have to go up to come down. Issac Newton must have consulted on the floor plan. It is not ingenious. It is stupid. And endlessly frustrating when what you want (the blankets) are on the first floor. The master plan is to force you have to wind through the entire one billion square foot sales floor to get to the registers.

Hoping to improve my odds of making it out alive I asked the young gentleman in the snappy yellow polo for directions to the blankets.
"You are looking for bedroom textiles?" 
"Yes, specifically the cheap fleece throws."
"Hummina Hummina Hummina, the cheap one." 
"I'd guess you are looking for the POLARVIDE. It is the most popular of our inexpensive throws."
"Right, cheapest. Where?"
"Go to the END OF THE EARTH. When you get there make a left. Pass through the seven levels of the candy cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, look to your right. You should find them there."
So here I am winding 'round and 'round like a crazy person, weaving through hordes of people with those RIDICULOUS crazy wheeled carts. Ugh those carts! What is with those flipping carts? Are they Euro-Carts? I am pretty sure someone has blown out a knee trying to maneuver those suckers. It is NOT helpful whatever is going on with the wheels on those carts that makes them not REGULAR.

To top the shopping experience off, there are no windows or clocks on the sales floor because time does not exist with in the four walls of IKEA.  You can go in on a Monday and come out shaking and confused on Wednesday. Wondering,  "What the hell just happened? Do I need a rape kit? Where the f is my car? And how am I going to magician all of these reasonably affordable home goods into my passenger vehicle?" (Might have to strap a kid to the roof. No! Do not take children to IKEA. Do not. Seriously just don't. )

I thought I was making good time. I was not. I came out and it was dark. It should not have been dark.

You know how IKEA used Nazi Prison Camp laborers to build furniture in the 40's? Horrifying, I know. They have since apologized. (Ya think!?!) Well it is certainly no surprise to me that the same company that thought that was a good idea would also design a store like this. Heartless bastards. Makes you want to kick 'em in their Swedish meatballs.